My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
