At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize