No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
