So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
