hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
