I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I supernannyed him into submission
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
