I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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