Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
