We won't sleep together?
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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