The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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