Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
