i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
