i can't believe i had my finger in that
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
