The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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