just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
