Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
