I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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