FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
