at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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