You made me cry and you don't even care
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
