i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This is my gift to your gina
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
