I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
