I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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