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I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
