The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
