he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
