What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
