Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
