Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize