wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
