So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
