I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
