I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
