hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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