I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
