Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
