I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
His hands were made for my vagina.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
