Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So much Jack, so little girl.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
