I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
