i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
