You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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