I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
