I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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