last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
