When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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