Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have tasted many bathrooms
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
