Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
bring money and cleavage
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
