my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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