I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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