I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
