Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
