You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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