i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
