he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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