So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
