I puked a lego.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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