When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
