Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
