I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
