i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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