she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
