i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
True strength comes from lack of pants
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
