your thong is hanging out like whoa
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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